I feel like a fetus

I am so very, very tired of hearing that I am too young.
I understand that you're older than me. I really do. And I understand that you've had life experiences and training beyond my years. But honestly. Just because I am 21 does not make me a lesser human. I am not dumber than you. I am not less mature. Sure, there are plenty of 21 year olds that have the same maturity level of a 5-year-old. But George Bush is a damn lot older than me, has the money experience to become a president, and has the maturity of a 5-year-old as well. Welcome to the Universe.
I've been talking to people about midwifery options, because I honestly do not want to be a CNM. That's the path that I'm on- I'm in pre-nursing school and all that. But I don't want to be taking orders from an ob. I do not want to give everyone episiotomies and epidurals and get them ready for c-sections. So what can a 21 year old do, huh? Have a baby- that's a good way to be a midwife, someday. Baring that, get experience. I am not ready to have a baby just yet, and I am so very against people having babies for reasons other than loving themselves and their husbands and their soon-to-be-babies. So experience. Sounds easy, huh?
How the hell do I do that?
I am having trouble finding doula clients because I don't have enough experience. I think it's also because I haven't been charging money, but that's beside the point. I'll start doing it now, I guess. Can't hurt.
*BigSigh*
I think I'm going to stay in nursing school and get my CPM then. I think I think. Maybe. I just wish I could get some positive support instead of "Well, if you were like this, but you're not" a thousand times over. I wish people would get over my age and look at me and realize that I'm a person, not an age. Ocassionally you hear about agism in the workplace, not hiring older people etc. But damn. Agism works both ways.

Hatred

http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2006/08/01/mississippi/print.html Spread hate in the name of Jesus. Call people fags and murders and burn things. Scream and yell and get worked up until you feel the blood rushing to your face and you can barely think because you're so EXCITED by the idea of teaching them that they're wrong, they're going to hell, they're bad, but you are the one, because you follow Jesus. Jesus spent his time screaming at people and hurting them and hating them.

http://www.carringtonvanston.net/archives/peta Spread hate in the name of all things cute and fuzzy. Pitbulls can't live but tame minks ought to be set free to be eaten immediately by hawks- except in a just world there wouldn't be any hawks, just bunnies and kittens and perpetual cute things. So hate people for euthanizing the dogs, because only YOU can decide. And I'm not even going to get touch "But I'd kill every puppy in the world, or every kitten or every chimp or every koala bear, to save my mom or my friend or myself or you."

What brings this on is a friend. (She never reads this anymore, so I can safely post it! Whootnaw). This friend is not a person who has decided she doesn't want to have kids- she has to contribute to the Childfree phenomena. And fuck. I don't care if you have kids, adopt a nation, don't have kids, forceably rip out your own uterus...it's your body, your life. Do what you need to do, in moderation anyway (I take issue with people like my chiropractor, who has seven biological kids...I think once you get past your alloted amount in the world or so, you ought to think about adopting. Because there's already an awful lot of kids out there). We've gone back and forth on this, a little at least. But spreading hate is spreading hate. Calling people Moo and Breeder has just as much power behind it as Fag. It's used less often, but it has the same intent behind it- "I hate you because you have a different life than me." It's disgusting. It's mean. People (her included) insist that they are like that because others have discriminated against them. They're just fighting back. People who say these things ought to watch Hotel Rwanda and see the result of an "Eye for an Eye" mentality. They did it to us, so we do it to them, has (at least to some people) gotten us knee-deep in dead Iraqies. It's gotten the Israelies and Condi Rice knee deep in dead Lebonese. And though the Childfree community appears to be a fairly select group of people who connect via the internet, I bet they have similar numbers to the Republicans that actually run this country.
In a more egotistical view, I am worried about continuing my life with her in it. She's a good friend and I like her a lot. But if I'm going to be called a Moo or a Breeder behind my back by a friend...I can't handle it. I can't even really stomach being thought of that badly by someone I trust. If you're going to be mean to me, that's your choice and as much as it might hurt me, I can handle it. But a friend? Someone I trust? I don't think I can handle that. And I don't think I can ever trust her enough to not worry she's saying that behind my back.
People who scoff at others for procreating and then call themselves pro-choice are just as bad as those that promote war and call themselves pro-life.

Frustration

I feel almost (but not quite!) too depressed to write about this, but I will anyway. Well, first, the happy- http://shapeofamother.blogspot.com/. So fucking beautiful. These things amaze me.

On to the not so happy.

The day before yesterday, my husband and I were talking about the future. We both don't currently have jobs- though that should change soon, I hope. We can't both work part time and pay the bills. Thus, one of us has to work full time. This means only part time school. He has three full-time years left on his engineering/physics/math degree. I have three full-time years left of nursing school, then a required two years working as a nurse, and then two years of grad school, all before I can be a midwife. I am twenty-one now (yes, just a baby. Yadda yadda). I'll be twenty-seven before I'm done with school. If Husband goes part time and I go full time, he'll be done with his degree about then. Now, the problem is that I want to have kids, and I really don't want to wait until I'm pushing thirty to have them.
So we talked, and talked, trying to measure his career goals, my career goals, and our collective family goals into a cake, and coming out with mush. He then had a pleasant idea- why don't I go for a CPM (certified practical midwife) instead of a CNM (certified nurse midwife)? Not only would this fit into my not-so-medical ideals of what healing should be like, but it would allow me to have kids sooner, and possibly put Husband through school.
So yesterday, I started e-mailing midwives to apprentice with. I got a "Please call me to discuss" e-mail from one. I called, and we talk, and the general gist was..."You haven't attended any births, and you're too young. Call back when you have kids".
*Cries*
There are a few distance learning opportunities, and if I've attended enough births as a doula things might work out, but...argh! Argh! How can I get enough training without getting training? I don't even know if the distance learning opportunities will take me (due to my lack of experience). And since I'm new and all, it's going to be doubly hard to find clients for my practice. So I can't get clients without clients.
I understand why things work and all, but it's just difficult. And frustrating. I want to follow my dreams. I just wish the gods would let me.

BellaMommy, Meeting Two

I had a meeting scheduled with BellaMommy today. This will be her second birth- her first was a fairly traumatic stillbirth, and she's opting for a elective c-section this time. Though I have very strong opinions about c-section, I can't, and won't, argue with her. She's going through a lot (as you'll soon see). Though I don't think there was anything that she could do about the last baby, and though I don't think her current health problems are anything too difficult, the important part for her is having a safe, healthy baby. I want to help her have that.
So she didn't show to the appointment today. I sat outside her apartment for 45 minutes (hoping that maybe she had 5:00 and 5:30 mixed up) waiting before giving up. It allowed me to read a few chapters of Thinking Women's Guide, a staple of the birth-oriented library. I was a little disappointed, and a great deal worried I'd been dropped (my last client stood me up. I'll write about that sometime, I expect). About an hour later, I got a call. BellaMommy was in the hospital. Her non-stress test (routine; I think she's getting them weekly) revealed the baby to be very unresponsive. They stuck her in the hospital for further testing.
I felt, and feel, terrible for her. She very much wants a healthy, happy baby. She's a sweetheart, and very smart, and very nice. She's so set on having a child, and yet, it seems she's having problem after problem. You can tell, from the way she smiles and talks, that she wants to feel positive. She wants to not associate this pregnancy with the last, at least, not in the negative ways. But I think it's really hard for her.
So, I spent about four hours with her. We sat and talked and watched Mean Girls, which I was surprised to discover I'd already seen. Lindsey Lohan was so much cuter when she had more meat on her.
She's calling me tomorrow as to whether they're moving the section up to this weekend. It's looking unlikely, because baby was doing perfectly fine while I was there- steady, strong, loud heart beat. BellaMommy laughed and said that she fully intended to use this to her advantage when the daughter was older- "Do you know how long I was in the hospital for you? I gave up my friday night! So sit down and shut up!"
BellaMommy and I are getting along great. She makes comments about hanging out after baby is born, and I certainly wouldn't complain. I worry that I somehow shouldn't, and that I should keep my clients and my friends separate. But what the hell. You only live once, right? :-)

An introduction

Hi. *Waves*. This is an intro post. Yay!
I am starting this because I want to have a professional blog. I'm learning a lot of new things, and growing in a lot of ways. I'd really like to write them somewhere, and hopefully, find others who are going through similar experiences.
Two years ago, I fell in love with birthing babies. Despite my father's hounding me for an answer, I don't know why. I was out of a job and using the internet, and I remember reading a lot on livejournal's Vagina Pagina about women. Suddenly, I was changing my community college major to nursing with the intent of becoming a Certified Nurse Midwife. Crazy!
I remember when I decided to become an herbalist, though. I read the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. I was enchanted by the idea of plants helping us, by the goddesses and the mysticism. Enchantment aside, herbs *are* amazing for healing, and, though they can't fix a broken bone like an orthopedic doctor, or kill a nasty infection like an antibiotic, I believe that they have a sacred place in the healing of our bodies and our world.
I'm a self-proclaimed witch, too, so expect witchy-things. These generally relate to the herbalism, not because they have to, but because that is how my beliefs fall.
So, after all of the "Holy crap, I know what to do with my life!" moments, now, I'm trodding towards them. I'm in prenursing school, I've just trained as a doula, am waiting on my first birth to happen, and I am training with an herbalist. It's a long, slow road. Right now, I like to think of myself as in a sponge-area of my life. I'm soaking in as much as I can. Information, wisdom, experiences. I guess I'll be squeezing them out here, and associating them into something understandable. I hope to, anyway.